I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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