i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
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It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
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Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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