i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
