when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
