Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
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