just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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