too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
