proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
