he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
