i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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