Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
