david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
