He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
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I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
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Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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