I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
