I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
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I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
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Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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