Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
