I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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