i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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