The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
