I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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