I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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