she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
no, he came in my armpit
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Less talking, more tequila
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
