Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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