You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
