I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
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So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
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Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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