Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
