he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
