Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
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Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
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He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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