This is not my ceiling
im six kinds of drunk right now
accomplished twins. life is a go
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
