headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
