I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
