The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
