i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
