4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
