well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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