Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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