Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
