Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize