I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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