I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
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my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
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My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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