I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
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No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
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Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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