he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
