I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
