And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
