why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Holy sore nipples Batman
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
