k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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