i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Found your dick twin last night
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
