Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
