i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I came so hard my ears popped.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
