GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
