alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
