I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
