never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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