Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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