well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
love makes seman taste better
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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