I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize